TOO YOUNG.

Aren’t we WAY too young for this?

That was the conversation Jaymie and I had while in traffic on our way to Kent Powell’s visitation on Thursday in Decatur. How is it that our little group from church has already had to deal with too many “life” issues, and we are not even 30 yet. (I realize some are…no names, Amy Porter).

Who at 25 and 27 should have to deal with the heart ache of losing a child? How is this even possible? With amazing strength Jaymie and Kory did it and are still doing it. Their perseverance and strength amaze me still to this day.

Now again… who at 25 should have to deal with being a widow with a 2 year old and being 6 months pregnant? Nothing about this situation seems right/fair/just, whatever you want to call it that’s how I feel about it. My friend Natalie lost her husband last week after he was involved in an automobile accident. He clung to life and was able to communicate with her for a few days before he passed away, on her 25th birthday. How is this possible to get through this? She is amazing though. A pillar of strength. Amazing to watch her carry herself and care for Kason even with her pregnant belly!

I can remember 3 distinct times in my life when I was ANGRY at God and needed understanding. First time was when my good friend from high school was killed in a car accident when I was a freshman. I remember lying in my bed yelling and tensing up and shaking my fists at God. The second was with Jayde. This actually only happened about 8 months ago. But I was laying in bed one night and it just hit me. I still didn’t understand it, nor was I okay with it. I tensed up for about a minute and just screamed into my pillow. The third time was Wednesday. I was sending out an email to all of our “Crossroads” group from church about Kent’s funeral arrangements and had my fit of rage. Luckily Addison was asleep. I have found these “fits” to be very helpful. I think these are the times that I finally get angry and just hand it over to God, more like throw it really. He’s a big and mighty God, I know He can take it! After all isn’t that want He ultimately wants, for us to hand it over to Him? To give up on trying to understand the awful and terrible things of this world and hand, or throw, it to Him?

It doesn’t mean that I’m over it; I just quit trying to understand. Of course, I’m still very sad. Did I have to leave church yesterday and gather myself, yes. Will I have to do that when Natalie is back and sitting behind me, probably. Do I still cry almost every time I hear the Casting Crowns song "Praise you in the Storm" and think of Jaymie, Kory and Jayde, yes. My heart hurts for them and all the things they have had to deal with that no one should have to at such young ages. I just pray that I can be and will continue to be the friends they need me to despite my own emotions.

This has been very therapeutic for me. Thanks for reading.