Fears

Sunday night at our small (actually very large) group Clay asked the question “What is your biggest fear?” We’ll I didn’t share mine, but I will now. My biggest fear, being attacked/kidnapped. This is a fear that influences many decisions I make on a daily basis. Today for example, while going to get candy to teach my CPR class to little kids I parked so I can walk straight to my car upon leaving the store and can see if there is someone around me in or under my car, the pool sounded like it needed water but it was already dark and I didn’t want to go and turn the water on in the dark. That’s not too bad for me, only 2! Usually its like 4 or 5. Sometimes I feel like this fear, almost obsession, is out of control.

A few of you know that I used to not take a shower or dry my hair if I was at home alone. If those two things are going on how will you know if someone breaks into your house? I would rather hear them coming. I a parking lot I have to park where I can walk straight to my car, no walking around for this girl, seriously, I’ll circle the parking lot for 15 minutes if I have to. This started after a girl was kidnapped from a Wal-Mart parking lot while she was about to get into her car. This use to not be as big of a fear, but a few months after that incident happened I was walking around my car and there was a man walking towards me and was by my door. I started backing up, he assured me that everything was okay and all he just needed some money for gas. I didn’t have any cash, I hardly carry cash, so he went on his way. I watched from the middle of the driving isle until I felt like it was safe to return to the car. Really, who would approach a women that is alone for money in between cars… CREEPY! I also won’t go run by myself anymore, not even on the running trail in Longview. I have to be where Chris can see me and would know if something were to happen to me. That’s the other part about my fear, if I know that someone knows where I am or if there is sort of a timeline for the day, I’m okay.

This drives Christopher absolutely bonkers! I really don’t know what and how to change this. Once when I decided I was going to brave it pushing Addison on the running trail Christopher was on his way back ,from the end of the trail, and caught up with me and asked me if I was scared and I said yes, but I just prayed for bravery the whole time, it worked.

I really have no idea why I’m like this, where it came from, or when it started. I think that I have a pretty detailed imagination and it can start to go wild sometimes with things that could happen in certain situations. Almost to the point that I feel like it’s real and that something is about to happen. I used to watch crime shows and somewhat scary movies. Can’t do that anymore, it only feeds the imagination and things that could happen. Christopher and I used to watch criminal minds, loved that show… not now, it only makes it worse.

Well, there you go… I spilled one of my secrets. I guess that I’m hoping that writing this all out is going to be a healthy, helpful step for my fears. Not sure what to do with this next…